BY BONNIE LEE STRUNK

Special to The Press

The upcoming season is rough for folks who will be marking each holiday for the first time without a dear loved one.

The Christmas after I was widowed the first time passed by in a blur. My husband, in his early 40s, died unexpectedly less than two weeks before Christmas, and, to this day, I still do not remember much.

That is not unusual. Anyone who has suffered such a loss knows that the real grief often does not even begin until months after the funeral. The numbness and shock have to wear off first.

Supportive friends, neighbors and relatives who were there for the bereaved person in the beginning finally go back to their own lives. Nobody dotes on the grieving individual forever.

The survivor often feels truly alone at this point, and that is when the devastating loss hits hard.

Some newly-bereaved individuals try to rush the grieving process. But patience is the key. Healing is not helped by masking the pain with tranquilizers or alcohol or whirlwind activities. We all heal at different rates. Those who try to repress their grief may never heal at all.

Keeping that in mind, the holidays can be less painful after a recent loss if we find ways to honor and remember a loved one who has died.

If gathering with family and friends during the holiday season, don’t be afraid to discuss the departed loved one. Reminiscing is a healthy way to keep memories alive.

My favorite way to remember special loved ones who have left this earth is to plant a tree in memory of them. Both of my parents and both of my late husbands have memorial trees in public spaces. I enjoy visiting the trees to watch them growing and thriving.

The constant beauty of a tree, which others also can enjoy, is a reminder of nature’s abundant gifts, including the gifts of life and love.

A number of folks buy flowers for their houses of worship in memory of the deceased, so that other worshippers can share the beauty and remember the departed.

I am part of a poetry group, and I have noticed fellow poets writing about their deceased loved ones, something I myself have done. Telling a story about a loved one can help the bereaved treasure and share the memories.

One of my now-late close friends always donated or purchased books for her local library in memory of loved ones who passed away, and bookplates in these books bear inscriptions indicating the memorial gift. This is especially meaningful if the book is on a topic of special interest to the deceased.

Folks who don’t feel up to celebrating the holidays may want to arrange an outing on those days or invite a few friends over for a simple meal.

Or perhaps grieving individuals will choose to put aside their sorrow and lend a helping hand to the needy by volunteering in a soup kitchen or nursing home on the painful holidays.

People often show their generosity during the holidays, and those who are grieving can memorialize their loved ones by giving money to the deceased’s favorite school, in his or her name.

Or one can make a donation to a loved one’s favorite charity in their name. This even can become a yearly ritual.

Those of us who know a grieving friend or neighbor can show we care by including the bereaved in activities or sending a card or making a phone call to show we are thinking of them during this trying period.

Speaking from experience, the healing process is gradual. We gently ease back into life. The pain hurts less as time goes by. We will laugh, and love, again.

As a wise 95-year-old who had suffered the losses of her husband and several of her children once simply and eloquently said to a despairing widow, “He’s gone, but you’re still here. You’re still alive, so you have to get out there and live.”

She was so right.