Making progress

Fear. My therapist has touched on this with me. She does not know yet how deep my trauma goes. As I work though this, I hope she can help me deal with it.

I am not even sure what a natural reaction is to deal with fear.

Just yesterday, my youngest son and I were returning home. As we waited to cross the street, I was fishing in my pocket for my keys. Bad mistake. I though he had made some progress with his spacial awareness, but I was wrong. He suddenly started crossing the street without me, right into the path of a turning car. Thank goodness the driver was able to stop.

I jumped right from fear to anger, as I often do. I sprinted to grab him and pulled him to safety. And I scolded him. Clearly, he still needs his hand held. Adhd is his issue. Fear-based anger is mine.

This isn’t new. Anything that frightens me makes me angry. I have mentioned I fear, uncertainty, and we have been dealing with a lot of that recently.

My older son asked me about money. So I wrote out a budget for November. It was hard, trying to remember various odds and ends that add up. My older son suggested curtailing some of his brother’s activities. I was resistant. Each activity my youngest does is for both fun and education. Horses help him focus and he has an empathetic bond with them. Playing an instrument helps him learn focus and self-discipline. Going to hockey games is just fun for us together.

So we compromised, my older son and I. It was a little surprising. I am working on being more patient with my older son, and it worked out. The boys’ father never understood compromise. Probably that is why I wasn’t expecting it.

It was interesting, some years ago, when my mother realized that difference between my father and my ex-husband. My father could compromise and make concessions if it was necessary. My ex-husband couldn’t. I remember being happy she finally made that distinction, and frustrated it took her so long.

Hey, no one is perfect. But we are making progress. And the uncertainty train seems to be slowing down. That is a relief. Now, if I could just go to sleep for a month.